Criticism is an especially frightening consequence for a person who accepts two common irrational assumptions.
ASSUMPTION 1: For me to be "okay", it is absolutely neccessary that I be liked and approved of by everyone.
ASSUMPTION 2: For me to feel good about myself, I must never make a mistake.
Without doubt, the two assumptions affect both women and men. However, there is some evidence that women may be influenced more than men by the assumption that an individual's self-worth is dependent on the positive responses of other people.
If a woman's "okayness" depends on her pleasing other people, she will frequently feel bad about herself. To please everyone is an impossible task.
Criticism does not invariably lead to negative feelings about oneself and other people.
Then, how a woman can deal with criticism in such an assertive manner?
There are 5 basic ways a woman can respond assertively to criticism from another person:
1) Accept the criticism
2) Disagree with the criticism
3) Set limits with the person who is criticizing her
4) "Fog" away the criticism
5) Delay her response
A woman chooses between these 5 will depend on her feelings at the moment. All the above responses are assertive in that they allow a woman to state her honest feelings without attacking the other person. All responses allow a woman to maintain the basic position, "I'm okay. You're okay".
Can we go through all 5 responses that stated above?
1) When a criticism is realistic, your most powerful assertive response may be a simple acceptance that does not apologize, does not defend, and does not put yourself down.
For example, if someone criticizes you, "Your report is not well written," and feel this criticism is valid, you can assertively reply, "You're right. I'm going to brush it up tonight." If your reply is stated with direct eye contact and a firm tone of voice, you convey to the other person verbally and nonverbally.
2) There are times when criticism does not fit. There are occasions when criticism is based on false information. If this is the case, it is important NOT to accept the criticism. It is important to disagree.
Why do we have such difficulty disagreeing with criticism? It is due to the fact that women equate disagreeing with attacking another person. So, there are several tips that you can use:
- In dealing with criticism that is too broad, like "Don't you ever start working on time", a focused disagreement works best. A focused disagreement allows a woman to view herself in relative terms. A focused disagreement allows her to accept the valid aspects of a criticism while separating herself from the erroneous portions.
Referring to example, "Don't you ever start working on time", you can came up with the simple statement "Today, I am late getting started. Today really is the exception, however. I'm usually at my desk at nine."
-There are also times when a criticism is not based solely on a factual incident but on a broad evaluation and interpretation of the meaning if that incident.
Same as above, a focused disagreement of criticisms based on value judgements works best when a woman clearly states specific incidents that lie behind the judgement.
3) Setting limit involves teaching another person how we expect to be treated. This includes teaching another person how to give us negative feedback. Since aggressive criticism can and often does harm a person, it is very important that a woman know and assert her limits in this particular area.
4) Manuel Smith, author of When I Say No I Feel Guilty, has formulated a methhod of dealing with criticism that he terms "fogging". Fogging is a response to criticism that does not say "yes" or "no". If I am fogging, I neither agree nor disagree with a criticism. Instead, I briefly acknowledge that a person has criticized me and then quickly move on to another subject.
For example, if someone said to me, "You're a selfish person," I could fog by replying "I may be selfish sometimes" or "That may be true." The accusation of being selfish does not particularly bother me.
Fogging is most useful when a criticism does not evoke a strong emotional reaction. Fogging is simply another alternative for a woman to use in conveying her feelings.
5) There are times when criticism takes a woman completely by surprise. She feels confused; she does not know what she wants to say. A woman can respond assertively in such a situation simply by indicating the confusion, surprise, and/or dissappointment that the criticism provokes. At that moment, she does not respond to the content of the criticism. Thus, a woman might say, "I'm really confused about that criticism. Let me think about it for a few minutes."
Feeling free to express our feelings of confusion or our inability to respond means that we are less likely to accept the criticism which does not fit or let someone get away with aggressive attack. By backing up for a moment to examine our feelings, rather than simple reacting from panic, we can most effectively sort out and respond to the realities of the critical message.
Edited from: Self Assertion For Women by Pamela E.Butler
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